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♥♥ quod me netruit me destruit ♥♥

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Binge day [18 Oct 2006|08:55pm]

charlie_allison
I feel horrible...I just binged on a plate of homemade fries (done in the deepfryer) and I hate myself right now. I really just need to talk to someone with the same problems I have because i am so sick of hearing how thin i am. I still have 10 pounds to go and its not gonna happen anytime soon because everyone is always pressuring me to eat. if anyone wants to talk i would appreciate it.
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[25 Mar 2006|10:13pm]

x_originality_x
Join reorder.
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Hey everyone... [07 Feb 2006|01:54am]
destroy_me_ana
I've been watching this community for awhile, and I like the atmosphere. I'm hoping to meet people in my area with an ED to contact for support, so i thought I'd butt in and promo this new community...it's aimed at finding people in your state/province that have eating disorders.

SharetheSecret
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join this community [29 Jan 2006|01:45am]

little_bit7
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y84/thetaffygirl/woo2.jpghttp://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y84/thetaffygirl/woo2.jpg
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[24 Nov 2005|09:36pm]

pedestal_jumper
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

real_les_bones
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[04 Sep 2005|09:43pm]

paigeksays
does anyone know some good anorexia songs?

<3 thnx
4 comments|post comment

[16 Aug 2005|09:40pm]

wannabbyout

Sometimes I just wish i were someone else.Collapse )

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[24 Jun 2005|08:53pm]

wingxnut18
Hi all! Losing the weight is getting easier, as long as I can stay away from pizza and oreo cookies, but I still need more support.

I think I posted the link to my site here before, but it wasn't quite ready for the public eye at that point. I encourage all of you to pay us a visit again and check everything out.

http://www.realeasyweightloss.com

I've been working hard on getting this all up and running, so I would appreciate it if you all could take a moment, check it out, and let me know what you think.

The NEW Realeasyweightloss.com!

-Weight Loss Journals
-New Recipe section!
-More content!
-Weight Loss Newsletter
-More Weight Loss programs than ever!
-Review and comment on any and all programs/stories on this site
-Vote for your favorite prorgams and help others acheive their goals!
-All new forums!
-Much much more!

Roam around the site and let us know what you think and how we can better help you. Also, don't be afraid to share this wonderful resource with others.

Thank you all for your time!

Sorry for the x-post
1 comment|post comment

[18 Jun 2005|07:34pm]

wannabbyout

there should be no difference between what we are and what we want to beCollapse )

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[30 May 2005|01:07pm]

natalielight
[ mood | bitchy ]

***
I will be thin. I will be light as snow and pure as air. I am a beautiful person on the inside, there is no reason (apart from lazy self-indulgence) why I shouldn't be on the outside.
I will be perfect. I will smile and nod at the right times and stand up and be strong whenever it is required of me.
I will stop relying on other people. I will overcome the urge to scream and shout and tell them how I really feel. I will stop wanting altogether. I will be a pillar of strength for others and never ask for anything myself.
I will give myself my old determination and do something other than eat, study and sleep.
***
I am going to become what I find most beautiful... regardless of what it take to get there.
Can't wait until exams are over..
Been in a really sensitive mood lately.
Been getting really angry with people too, for no reason.
I miss my uncle Misha. If he was here he'd make everything all better again. Sometimes I like to think he's watching down on me... protecting me.
Somewhere, deep down, I know I'll be ok. I don't know why. I don't know how.
***
I ate pretty much normally for the last week. It nearly killed me. Every day was felt like a week I was in such emotional turmoil. I don't think I'll ever be normal.
Anyway, that's all in the past.
I have to be the thinnest, I have to be visibly better so that I can feel secure and light.
But I'm not unhappy, I'm coping okay at this level.
I just feel very isolated.
Then on Thursday and Friday, I went crazy and hit about 1000kcal. I'm sure you know the kind of detached HORROR you feel when you do something really awful like this.
In a moment's panic, I just bought a chocolate bar out of a vending machine in the hospital,where I visited my grandma and ate it, with the intention of fasting tomorrow, and hopefully fooling my metabolism for a bit longer.
I do want to lose more weight.
I do want to lose more weight.
I DO DO DO.
I need somebody to talk to, somebody... anybody... to feel my pain. I am fucking pathetic and I know it.
***

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[25 May 2005|01:29pm]

natalielight
[ mood | awake ]

I'm not going to lie, I have been extremely bad yesterday , and I want to kick myself in the ass for it.I ate a small salad,pancakes with cheese and drank almost an entire liter bottle of Coke, and not diet. I wish I could take that all back but I can't.
I feel kinda sick from eating, and I wish I could change what I have eaten but I can't, and I regret it big time.
Today I've been really good. I've only had stuff to drink, and now gum which helps A LOT!.
I will be thin. I will be light as snow and pure as air. I am a beautiful person on the inside, there is no reason (apart from lazy self-indulgence) why I shouldn't be on the outside.
I will be perfect. I will smile and nod at the right times and stand up and be strong whenever it is required of me. I will have everybody wanting to be me, not having a clue about what goes on inside.
Ok, I am going to go work out, and then get a shower and go out or something. Byes.

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[23 May 2005|03:10pm]

natalielight
[ mood | calm ]

Positively Pro Choice

Why?

Why would anyone be glad to have an eating disorder? I don't know, but sometimes I am. Sometimes I like being proud of myself for not eating. Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to be "normal" and not have my disorders. Sometimes I don't know who I would be without them. Sometimes I feel cursed. Sometimes I feel blessed.
To me, Anorexia is a painful lover, but I can't let her go.

Ana tells you that you do not need all the crap they're trying to feed to you (literally and figuratively). You are above it all, you transcend normal, human needs. While everyone around you has to give in and cram their mouths with food, you can sit back and calmly refuse. You don't NEED food.


A good thing about having an eating disorder is that you know there is something you can control. I cannot control my mental health--almost 2 decades of insanity and the use of almost every psychiatric drug there is has proven that fact. But I CAN control what I eat. I can control my disorder.

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[05 May 2005|10:15am]

natalielight
[ mood | artistic ]

"For a long time I believed the opposite of passion was death. I was wrong. Passion and death are implicit, one in the other. Past the border of a fiery life lies the netherworld. I can trace this road, which took me through places so hot the very air burned the lungs. I did not turn back. I pressed on, and eventually passed over the border, beyond which lies a place that is wordless and cold, so cold that it, like mercury, burns a freezing blue flame."

The girl gets up each day and creates herself out of cloth and paint. She writes at night about men who looked, and boys who touched, and weight. She writes of the great weakness that drove her to the cupboard and made her eat. The writing is never enough. Confession is insufficient. Absolution never comes in the articulation, only in the penance. She thinks of the saints: their flagellums, their bedf of nails, their centuries-late apologies for Eve who doomed all women to the pains of the flesh by giving in to the pleasures of the flesh. They lacerate their own flesh in penance for Eve, for the sins of the world wihich they shoulder as their own. They wear hair shirts, or razors next to their skin.
******************************************************************************
She reads books on the saints. The sainted anoretics, who, in thier holy ascetiscism, insisted that God was telling them to starve. She considers God. She determines he, if they were on speaking terms, would tell her to starve for general sins. The hair shirt is her own skin, rasping on the rawness of what lies beneath. She wills herself to rise above the flesh: not food, not sex, not touch, not sleep...The insomnia gives rise to mania, a racing of thoughts and sadistically vivid images flashing in the brain..The thoughts spiral upward, whitling shrill as a teakettle screaming inside the brain.
******************************************************************************

DO YOU WANNA BE SOMEBODY?

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[29 Apr 2005|01:28pm]

natalielight
[ mood | contemplative ]

I can't rely on my self either, damnit. But I always know that I can rely on my Ana. I know that she's always there. I can rely on that. Even if they force feed me, I know that inside I could, by myself, not eat.
I want to be little and tiny. I jsut want to disappear.
I believe...
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it just as long as I can be
left here to linger
...in silence.

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[27 Apr 2005|01:42pm]

natalielight
[ mood | artistic ]

My History With "Ed"
***
Ana, my maker, my destroyer....
I had met Ana, although at the time I didn't know her by name. All I knew is that I had decided to stop stuffing my face and get skinny.
For the first time in my life, I was beautiful. I was strong.
I realize now that there is no "normal" for someone like me. I am an extremist, it's everything or nothing at all.
I choose nothing.
I also have to accept that Ana doesn't give up easily. I can't just "drop" my eating disorder--it's not like a "diet" that you can just "quit". It's like opening a Pandora's box--once it's let out, it's hard to put back.
I feel like I’m in love with her beauty, simplicity, control and discipline.
My sweet Ana is a faithful friend, but such a demanding lover. Ana racks you with sharp, unbearable headaches from lack of food. Ana blacks you out and makes you fall down. Ana tells you to "sit down before you drop dead". Ana tells you you're doing it right when the stabbing stomach pains force you to sit down and curl up in agony. Ana makes you who you are--strong, light and free. Ana makes you better than all of those mindless weak pathetic drones, shoving gruel in their mouths like pigs at a trough. Quite honestly I would rather die than be fat like I was before.

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[27 Apr 2005|12:20pm]

natalielight
[ mood | artistic ]

*Indescribable Ana*

I am expecting a child.
Anorexia will be her name.
Some call her a disorder
I think they’re insane.

She’s an image of beauty
With such a pure soul
A picture of perfection
Soon under my control.

Strict calorie restrictions
Her development begins
Very low amounts of fat
I won’t stop until the end

Every growl of my stomach
Is a little kick from her
Telling me I’m doing great
My last meal is now a blur

I’m constantly in motion
To try and burn the fat
The repulsive bugle of my body
Is starting to get flat

The more and more that I lose,
She’s about to come out
She’ll be my new way of life-
What I’m all about


She is getting stronger
From the hunger inside me
I keep getting thinner
Soon everyone will see

No longer do I like her
But I want her to stay
I love her to the bones
But she has got to go away

She has gotten so strong
She is now taking over
Always in and on my mind
At least when I am sober

Now out in the open-
But still a secret from many
Always fighting with this thing
You can never be too skinny

She’s my butter and my bread
The voice that's in my head.
She takes me in and fills me up
with a lack of being fed
-Elizabeth Callender-

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[26 Apr 2005|08:58pm]

crimsonxkisses3
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[25 Apr 2005|03:02pm]

natalielight
[ mood | accomplished ]

Name:Natalie
Gender:female
Age:21
Location:Lithuania
Eating Disorder:Ana
Height:5"1 (156cm)
Current Weight:107.8lbs.
Highest Weight:121
Lowest Weight:99
Short Term Goal Weight:99
Long Term Goal Weight:94.6
Goal for next month:99
Size of pants:the smallest!
Favorite quote:what nourishes me,also destroys me.
Biggest thinspiration:Mary Kate Olsen and Kate Moss
you can also see my ana website here http://anasarebeautiful.narod.ru
i'm always happy finding ana buddies and even more happy snail mailing with them;)))

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[28 Feb 2005|09:59pm]

continental
this community lists me as maintainer/moderator in the info; but i had to leave for awhile to hide out. so um, is anyone actually a mod or maintainer that can help me fix this? liiiiiiiiike, take me out of the info or give me back mod status? ha.
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[28 Feb 2005|12:39am]

femynistical1
hi, im looking at the dates, so this may be a lost cause that im posting cuz no one may read it. just comment if ur there and ill know to keep on postine :)
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